so i'm super bored and NOT sleepy for a variety of reasons. so i will FINALLY do a massive post about november that will not-so secretly turn into a massive post about nothing/right now/future nonsense.

INTERRUPTED.

okay, now that THAT's done. its weird because i'm awake and emily's sleeping/trying to sleep, so i'm (trying) to type quieter. but this has never happened before this year, me being up later than emily. either i go to sleep first or we go to sleep at the same time. but nowwww it is me who is awake and it is mildly exciting.

so, a whole effing month ago was my nineteenth birthday. and it turned into a week's worth of celebrating which was really great. i think it was my favorite birthday ever, but i say that every year because each one gets better than the last. basically i ended up eating out like six times. i went home thursday night like usual and my parent got me a new ipod for my birthday that i named ponyo because i loooove ham (actually no. i just like to yell). and ponyo. the next day i went to disneyland with my family. my dad didn't show up until two-ish and i felt like one of those kids whose parents are divorced and the kids make excuses for the dad never being around, even though it was only one day. we had lots of fun after he showed up (and before, too) and i was suuuuuper excited because later that night ryan was driving me to visit claire at her school. which was awesome, by the way. the rest of the weekend was a blur, really. emily and kelly came and slept over saturday night after they went to disneyland for jen's birthday. the next day we got breakfast with kaitlyn and went to emily's friend's beach birthday party. kelly and i drove back down to san deezy that night with a giant bag of my favorite homemade cookies.

the next week i got caught up on all the nonsense i ignored during birthday weekend. kelly and i got our haircut at the paul mitchell school on wednesday, which was exciting but took forever. the weekend was super boring. it reminded me of the weekends i would spend alone in UT last year when i would plan my whole day around what movies were on tv and how much reading i still had to do for class. but i actually had an escape here which is really why i love sophomore year so much more than freshman year. i actually have people to hang out with instead of sitting in bed watching cabin fever or four harry potter movies in a row.

the week after was full of working ahead to make sure i could relax during allllll of thanksgiving break (which didn't happen, but whatever). i wrote the equivalent of at least four papers and did a ton of reading (three weeks' worth!). on thursday i saw my first midnight movie ever-- new moooooon! which i liked. a lot. waaay more than twilight. waaay more than when i really thought i liked twilight because i didn't know better.

and then it was thanksgivinggggg (break). i took the early train and got lunch with my maam and hung out with ryan and napped and cleaned my room and made dinner and played pool. all in one day. break was characterized by me pushing myself to my limits. up (relatively) early, asleep late. every night. i watched a ton of movies. a ton. seven, actually. i thought it was more in my head. but seven is still plenty respectable. i did a ton of shopping and catching up and tv watching and job searching and derg hugging and cream corn eating.

all that has really happened this week is college bureaucratic nonsense. aka trying to figure out class schedules and major changing and minor decisions. minor like minoring. essentially i've switched to english because i want to be in publishing. books are the only thing that i've consistently loved forever and i just couldn't find myself in psych. now i just need to decide between minoring in what i love (art history) and what would look really good with my degree (rhetoric and writing studies- which i do enjoy). and of course i need to decide these things now because sdsu is starting to restrict minors/double majors because of budget cuts. so i'm going to end up making a rash decision like my psychology major decision. i just hated not having an answer to people's questions. and i hated feeling like everything i did here didn't really matter more. hopefully i can leave it until next semester so i can decide for real this time.

i'm really afraid for winter break. my parents have latched onto the idea that i need to get a job for break. i searched over thanksgiving break. i got one interview and i have three people to call back about seasonal jobs. i am just worried that winter break will turn out just like summer break- no job and lots of yelling. no one wants to hire me for less than a month when i can't start until december eighteenth. i have a job at school but i don't get a lot of hours. it just sucks that i stand to get yelled at all of winter break when i have a job already and i'm not living paycheck to paycheck because my parents are paying for school for now. my parents are obsessed with the future and saving and i just can't see it. i can't imagine where i'll be in two years. all i can see is me back at home (because where the hell could i afford rent in southern california straight out of college?) and that is not the prettiest picture.

and now it is two nineteen and i am awake and jobless and i'm going to be poor and live at home. wow. how am i supposed to sleep now?

ryan and kaitlyn just left. i am sad. but we had a great twenty-four hours together.
also i believe i am running on CHOCOLATE and LOVE and NUGS and like three hours of sleep.
i have work tomorrow at six am and a midterm at eleven.
faaaaaaaaaaaantastic.

for some reason, this house is turning me into this crazy, angry, vindictive bitch.
but i am [almost] always right, goddammit!
and it doesn't help that i work nights and everyone i'd like to spend time with works days.
i fly off the handle too fast and i don't sleep and i cry way too much and drive too fast and yell too much.
it sucks so much that i've forgotten how to live in this house.

i miss school. i miss san diego. i miss being independent. i miss my friends.
i will miss my dog. i will miss my little car. i will miss my room and my library and my space and my noise. i will miss my friends.

i will forget every day that was too much to deal with this summer.
i will remember the good times.

i will miss all of this when the summer is over, but i can't bring myself to love it now.