I'M GOING HOME (for the day) TOMORROW.
just needed to get that out of my system.
seeing people from home/ going home more= wanting to go home even more.
but november will be a good month for that.

but in new (and more relevant) news:
i have turned over a new leaf. i am no longer getting involved in things. mainly one thing. about people. and by people, i mean one person. who will not be named, but will blatantly referred to. so essentially, this person has been driving me CRAZY because i feel like everything that happens is ENTIRELY PREVENTABLE. but that no longer matters, because i no longer care.
REALLY.  i am channeling my angry into full-blown bitchy mean gossiping.
which is shallow. really shallow. but it makes me feel so much better.

before, i would let goings on affect me so much i couldn't study or focus or do anything but SEETHE. and that is unhealthy and not fun. i should not have to resort to having other people snap me out of frustration-induced nastiness.
I CAN DO THAT ALL BY MYSELF, GODDAMMIT. and now i don't need too, because i am not getting angry anymore.
every time i write that, it becomes a little more true.

its only been two days since i decided to not let it affect me and i already feel so much less stress.
because now bad things happen around me and good things happen to me.

i recommend letting go, because it just feels so good.
and now i'll take my own advice and not let go of home, like... uh, ever. :D

how is it already october, the semester halfway behind us, me almost nineteen?
i've been home twice and already more people have visited me than all last year.
i love it.
it still hurts to leave though. still, i find it harder to be left than to do the leaving. the train gets me where i need to go and gets me back how i need to be in each place.
fall semester always flies. home this coming friday, plans this weekend. then halloween. then my birthday. then ryan's. the booksale, then thanksgiving. december, just like that. three weeks, less if my finals are scheduled well, and i'm back home for a month. its spring semester that drags.

this year is already so much better than last. i feel more like me here, and at home and with everyone.
i've been going to way more shows, just like i said i would last year. psychology looks like a dead end for me now, but i have a plan and i know that everything will work out like everything else has been.
i am turning over a new leaf and i love it. i love fall and i love this semester.

this weekend turned into 'let's-tell-lauren-super-awkward-stories-and-then-make-her-feel-bad-about-herself-unintentionally-weekend.'
but it was also 'hang-out-with-home-friends-AND-college-friends-at-the-FUCKING-COOLEST-CONCERT-EVER-weekend,' so i have decided they even out into my reclaimed blank slate. i never imagined throwing a bottle into the ocean would feel so good. i gave up/changed five things i have been doing lately that needed to be changed. hopefully this will be good for me.

i feel like this year didn't really start until i helped throw that bottle into the ocean.
so this year will be different because i will make it different.

(ps: no more watching say yes to the dress when emotionally unstable. not a good choice).

for some reason, this house is turning me into this crazy, angry, vindictive bitch.
but i am [almost] always right, goddammit!
and it doesn't help that i work nights and everyone i'd like to spend time with works days.
i fly off the handle too fast and i don't sleep and i cry way too much and drive too fast and yell too much.
it sucks so much that i've forgotten how to live in this house.

i miss school. i miss san diego. i miss being independent. i miss my friends.
i will miss my dog. i will miss my little car. i will miss my room and my library and my space and my noise. i will miss my friends.

i will forget every day that was too much to deal with this summer.
i will remember the good times.

i will miss all of this when the summer is over, but i can't bring myself to love it now.