i can't focus.
at all.

its worse than second semester of junior year and senior year, but not put together. that would just be too intense. more like the work load of junior year with the drama of senior year. i leave in three weeks. i have two essays and finals and a speech [group, no less] and i can't focus on it all or i'd go insane. worst of it is all stemming from one thing that gets me through the day usually, but doesn't really help. i am sad for people and happy for people and annoyed with people and alone. spring break was, what, four weeks ago? three? i can't bring myself to look. i just feel like this year needs to be over. i could really use a top model marathon or sitting in my pajamas all day or rereading all the harry potter books in two days or a visit home. and i can't go home. i shouldn't and i won't. i'll be smart for once in a long while. i need to get out of san diego for a break and summers close but if i leave i don't know what i'll have to come back to and i have to eventually.

my non-break break didn't help much either. my grandparents are OLD. it hurts me to see how they live. it hurts me that they're losing their memories and that my grandmother drinks from dinner until she goes to bed and that they're alone and that their age and their actions are making me not love them as much. i don't feel like i'm related to them, let alone know them. and i shouldn't hold it against them but is old age just bringing out what she really thinks about me? that i'm the favorite but i'm still not good enough? could it be worse for the rest of them than it is for me? i didn't really need any of her bullshit and i'm caught between how i feel and it just makes me feel worse. i can't be like them. i won't let myself. ever. and i can't be like my cousin or my aunt and uncle. i'm surrounded by such great role models.

and now i'm looking forward to three weeks of hell punctuated by boredom and loneliness followed by a summer where everything is up in the air. and then i get to start school all over again. fan-fucking-tastic.