i can't focus.
at all.

its worse than second semester of junior year and senior year, but not put together. that would just be too intense. more like the work load of junior year with the drama of senior year. i leave in three weeks. i have two essays and finals and a speech [group, no less] and i can't focus on it all or i'd go insane. worst of it is all stemming from one thing that gets me through the day usually, but doesn't really help. i am sad for people and happy for people and annoyed with people and alone. spring break was, what, four weeks ago? three? i can't bring myself to look. i just feel like this year needs to be over. i could really use a top model marathon or sitting in my pajamas all day or rereading all the harry potter books in two days or a visit home. and i can't go home. i shouldn't and i won't. i'll be smart for once in a long while. i need to get out of san diego for a break and summers close but if i leave i don't know what i'll have to come back to and i have to eventually.

my non-break break didn't help much either. my grandparents are OLD. it hurts me to see how they live. it hurts me that they're losing their memories and that my grandmother drinks from dinner until she goes to bed and that they're alone and that their age and their actions are making me not love them as much. i don't feel like i'm related to them, let alone know them. and i shouldn't hold it against them but is old age just bringing out what she really thinks about me? that i'm the favorite but i'm still not good enough? could it be worse for the rest of them than it is for me? i didn't really need any of her bullshit and i'm caught between how i feel and it just makes me feel worse. i can't be like them. i won't let myself. ever. and i can't be like my cousin or my aunt and uncle. i'm surrounded by such great role models.

and now i'm looking forward to three weeks of hell punctuated by boredom and loneliness followed by a summer where everything is up in the air. and then i get to start school all over again. fan-fucking-tastic.

i am nearly done with my first semester of college.
but more importantly, as of 1:40 this afternoon i am DONE WITH PHILOSOPHY.
XDDDD

i am beyond excited. the final went pretty well. i only missed one on the online portion and the written final went about as well as the last midterm that i somehow pulled an A on. so let's hope for another A. [speaking of....i've been getting a lot of A's. its been really great, especially since i was freaking out in august, thinking that i would fail every class/wasn't cut out for college. it got so bad i couldn't sleep some nights. ugh.] it did piss me off that the teacher didn't even show up for the final, he just sent his TA's. but i got over it because a. i don't like the teacher. and b. the TA's are hot. :D

now i don't have anything to do except study for my last final [anthropology], sell back my textbooks, and pack.
i leave wednesday some time before lunch.

i haven't done much in december because i didn't buy a bus pass.
highlights:
     i went shopping with my maam at horton plaza on saturday. i think horton is even better than south coast plaza because it has tons of affordable stores that i actually like to shop in. plus it has the biggest forever twenty-one of my LIFE.
     friday i went to sea world with emily and abby. i love walruses, narwhals, beluga whales, and sharks. i could live in the shark encounter. i love it there so much. it's toasty and there's water noises and sharkies. i would stop the moving walkway and just lie on my back and watch sharks all day.
     that night, after sea world, abby dropped me and emily off at SOMA where we waited in line with hordes of seventh-grade scene whores for the 3OH3! concert. i had to restrain my compulsion to yell 'FUCKIN' SKANKS.' i did. inside, emily and i snagged some bench seats along the wall by the front of the stage- we had no desire to be smother/stomped/moshed to death in the pit. they ended up being the best seats ever. no one got too close to us because we were close to a pole and when we wanted to, we could stand up and rock out four feet higher than everyone else. the first band....pirate something or other was okay. I really like the two-man band 'chain gang of 1974' that came on next. their cd was free on myspace. sweeeeeeeet. the third band, innerpartysystem, was awesome. they had this crazy lightshow and so much BASS. then 3OH3! came on. THEY WERE SO GREAT. i freaked out. the crowd freaked out. intenssssssssse. the whole crowd was jumping- it was 2000+ people in one room all rocking out. if you haven't been to a standing-room only rock concert, you're missing out. there's this INTENSE energy that the band starts and the crowd feeds on it and then off each other and then the band gets crazier...... its amazing. it was definitely the best concert energy-wise that i've been to. and every band had the INTENSE BASS that vibrates in your fucking soul and changes your heartbeat and just rocks. so overall, a fucking great night.

that's pretty much all i've done since thanksgiving besides the occasional yogurtland or in-and-out visit.
i can't wait to come home.