how is it already october, the semester halfway behind us, me almost nineteen?
i've been home twice and already more people have visited me than all last year.
i love it.
it still hurts to leave though. still, i find it harder to be left than to do the leaving. the train gets me where i need to go and gets me back how i need to be in each place.
fall semester always flies. home this coming friday, plans this weekend. then halloween. then my birthday. then ryan's. the booksale, then thanksgiving. december, just like that. three weeks, less if my finals are scheduled well, and i'm back home for a month. its spring semester that drags.

this year is already so much better than last. i feel more like me here, and at home and with everyone.
i've been going to way more shows, just like i said i would last year. psychology looks like a dead end for me now, but i have a plan and i know that everything will work out like everything else has been.
i am turning over a new leaf and i love it. i love fall and i love this semester.

this weekend turned into 'let's-tell-lauren-super-awkward-stories-and-then-make-her-feel-bad-about-herself-unintentionally-weekend.'
but it was also 'hang-out-with-home-friends-AND-college-friends-at-the-FUCKING-COOLEST-CONCERT-EVER-weekend,' so i have decided they even out into my reclaimed blank slate. i never imagined throwing a bottle into the ocean would feel so good. i gave up/changed five things i have been doing lately that needed to be changed. hopefully this will be good for me.

i feel like this year didn't really start until i helped throw that bottle into the ocean.
so this year will be different because i will make it different.

(ps: no more watching say yes to the dress when emotionally unstable. not a good choice).

i am seriously getting sick and tired of the immaturity and the melodrama.
plus the disposal/sink is backed up and one of my favorite bands broke up and i have a huge list of homework and nobody's coming this weekend.
i have never been able to handle myself when i get more than four or five shitty things on my plate.

tomorrow i'll have been back in san diego a week and already i am done with a week's worth of classes and one shift at work.

move in this year was so much easier than last. this year i'm on the second floor, unlike last year (SEVENTH floor). the roomS are bigger than i expected. its so nice to have another ROOM to go into. last year i was so sick of seeing those same four walls every day. plus having a kitchen is SO NICE. plus the bathroomS are HUGE. we really lucked out this year. besides facing the alley in the back and not having a balcony, i wouldn't change anything.

before i even had my first class, i had my first shift at ut, the building i lived in last year, where i work behind the front desk checking in id's. i worked from 6AM-9AM, but it could have been way worse... like my saturday shift... 9PM-3AM DX but i will just have to get used to drinking coffee. it should [HOPEFULLY PLEASEEEEE] only be for two weeks before we get out permanent schedules. but it was nice on monday because all the kids said hi to me because it was only their first day of classes and they weren't jaded/angry/exhausted/bitchy. plus i get to sit and read. not a bad job at all :)

my classes aren't too bad either. i have one class at eleven on mondays, class almost straight from eight-two on tuesday, two classes on wednesday starting at eleven, and classes from nine-three on thursdays. i have fridays OFF :D i pretty much have the best schedule out of everyone in the apartment :)

i've already read three books just for me (like catching fire, the second hunger games book. which was AH-MAZE-ING. like twists in my FACE. CONSTANTLY. SO GOOD. i think i will re-read it.....). i should've brought more. i come home in two weeks for the blink 182 concert anyway, so i just need to remember to get MORE. i miss people (some more than others, not gonna lie. LIKE MY DERG DX) but i kind of FUCKING LOVE college this year. except for the dance [which i will not speak of.] and the lack of my type of cute boys in my classes. D: but these are things i can get over with some intense psychotherapy and a trip to the library (yay cute nerdy boys.)
( IT IS NOW PICTURE TIME! :D )( NOW IT IS PICTURE TIME :D )

for some reason, this house is turning me into this crazy, angry, vindictive bitch.
but i am [almost] always right, goddammit!
and it doesn't help that i work nights and everyone i'd like to spend time with works days.
i fly off the handle too fast and i don't sleep and i cry way too much and drive too fast and yell too much.
it sucks so much that i've forgotten how to live in this house.

i miss school. i miss san diego. i miss being independent. i miss my friends.
i will miss my dog. i will miss my little car. i will miss my room and my library and my space and my noise. i will miss my friends.

i will forget every day that was too much to deal with this summer.
i will remember the good times.

i will miss all of this when the summer is over, but i can't bring myself to love it now.

nothing of any interest has happened.
which is a little bit of a lie, but whatever.


in order of importance:

ONE: i got a job interview.
after applying to TWENTY-FOUR FUCKING PLACES, i have been asked [by an automated email, no less] to schedule myself for an interview at macy's in mission viejo. commence worrying/nervousness. hopefully my dedication to the bookstore [four years XD!] and my classy/aesthetically-pleasing resume will get me a job, because i need it. i don't really need the money, i just need to get out of my house on a semi-regular basis because parents/not having a car is making me crazy. mainly the pointless arguing with my parents about how i don't have a job yet and how i'm not trying hard enough that i can't help but translate into USELESS. DRAIN. WORTHLESS. but thankfully i can shut the fuck up about that for at least two days and focus on 1. interview clothes and 2. the interview. i'm nervous.

TWO: grades?
i did better this semester than first, but not by much. B, B , B , A-, A. i'm not that impressed, actually. eh.

THREE: um... i cleaned my room?
i have been stuck in this house too much. i miss being able to do what i want. i'm sick of having to ask to go EVERYWHERE, usually days in advance. i thought this summer would be better, but hopefully if i get a job i'll be able to do more [counter-intuitive, i know.]

FOUR: i beat resident evil 5. twice.
too. much. time.

FIVE: i've read eight or so books. in the past week.
i'm alone with my thoughts too much, so i fill my head with other worlds.


so essentially i'm underwhelmed with summer, i have no job, and i have plenty of book recommendations.
fantastic.

i can't focus.
at all.

its worse than second semester of junior year and senior year, but not put together. that would just be too intense. more like the work load of junior year with the drama of senior year. i leave in three weeks. i have two essays and finals and a speech [group, no less] and i can't focus on it all or i'd go insane. worst of it is all stemming from one thing that gets me through the day usually, but doesn't really help. i am sad for people and happy for people and annoyed with people and alone. spring break was, what, four weeks ago? three? i can't bring myself to look. i just feel like this year needs to be over. i could really use a top model marathon or sitting in my pajamas all day or rereading all the harry potter books in two days or a visit home. and i can't go home. i shouldn't and i won't. i'll be smart for once in a long while. i need to get out of san diego for a break and summers close but if i leave i don't know what i'll have to come back to and i have to eventually.

my non-break break didn't help much either. my grandparents are OLD. it hurts me to see how they live. it hurts me that they're losing their memories and that my grandmother drinks from dinner until she goes to bed and that they're alone and that their age and their actions are making me not love them as much. i don't feel like i'm related to them, let alone know them. and i shouldn't hold it against them but is old age just bringing out what she really thinks about me? that i'm the favorite but i'm still not good enough? could it be worse for the rest of them than it is for me? i didn't really need any of her bullshit and i'm caught between how i feel and it just makes me feel worse. i can't be like them. i won't let myself. ever. and i can't be like my cousin or my aunt and uncle. i'm surrounded by such great role models.

and now i'm looking forward to three weeks of hell punctuated by boredom and loneliness followed by a summer where everything is up in the air. and then i get to start school all over again. fan-fucking-tastic.

there are somethings i will never understand and somethings i never want to understand.
also, starting to get a little annoyed [i.e. restless, confused, angry, and tired].
good thing i go home tomorrow.

so i've been back in san diego for a week.

highlights:
friday the 23rd [and quite a bit into the 24th]:
most importantly, it was my first [and not last] free friday of the semester. after lunch, emily's friends matty and willie came over, along with aryanna. matty drove us all down to the mexican border so that we could a. go shopping and b. eat delicious tacos. shopping spawned a fantastically flannel idea- we all buy the same flannel shirt and wear it now and over emily's birthday weekend excursion. finding [delicious and authentic] tacos was harder than we all expected, but we found some. most of us ditched the flannel- no need to look like a gang that close to mexico. we spent the rest of the night at horton plaza, the hotel del coronado, driving around downtown, and gambling. yes, i gambled. :] and i was the only one to win anything. i netted around fourteen dollars and won emily about tweleve. everyone was jealous of my two cent/five cent slot skills. after we were back in the dorm, aryanna and i lasted until four in the morning. ridiculously awesome night to say the least.

saturday the 24th:
that morning, my phone went off, waking me up. it was a san diego area code and i ignored it. when i got around to checking the message that had been left, i discovered it was chipotle. i had won a free dinner for four. :D i was uncharacteristically lucky that weekend. emily, aryanna, and willie helped me eat the burritos.

sunday the 25th: opening claire's care package brightened up the beginings of sadness. saved it for just that reason. essentially not stopping since mid-january caught up with me. now i have an exciting new chicky plate and water cup.

new classes: art history: gothic-modern, sociology, communications, statistics, rhetoric and written argument.
[fucking comm is the new fucking philosophy].

also:
i was right in at least one case [ten points.]
i just don't know how to feel about some things. [most things?]
that's all you need to know.


yogurtland tonight. :]

i am nearly done with my first semester of college.
but more importantly, as of 1:40 this afternoon i am DONE WITH PHILOSOPHY.
XDDDD

i am beyond excited. the final went pretty well. i only missed one on the online portion and the written final went about as well as the last midterm that i somehow pulled an A on. so let's hope for another A. [speaking of....i've been getting a lot of A's. its been really great, especially since i was freaking out in august, thinking that i would fail every class/wasn't cut out for college. it got so bad i couldn't sleep some nights. ugh.] it did piss me off that the teacher didn't even show up for the final, he just sent his TA's. but i got over it because a. i don't like the teacher. and b. the TA's are hot. :D

now i don't have anything to do except study for my last final [anthropology], sell back my textbooks, and pack.
i leave wednesday some time before lunch.

i haven't done much in december because i didn't buy a bus pass.
highlights:
     i went shopping with my maam at horton plaza on saturday. i think horton is even better than south coast plaza because it has tons of affordable stores that i actually like to shop in. plus it has the biggest forever twenty-one of my LIFE.
     friday i went to sea world with emily and abby. i love walruses, narwhals, beluga whales, and sharks. i could live in the shark encounter. i love it there so much. it's toasty and there's water noises and sharkies. i would stop the moving walkway and just lie on my back and watch sharks all day.
     that night, after sea world, abby dropped me and emily off at SOMA where we waited in line with hordes of seventh-grade scene whores for the 3OH3! concert. i had to restrain my compulsion to yell 'FUCKIN' SKANKS.' i did. inside, emily and i snagged some bench seats along the wall by the front of the stage- we had no desire to be smother/stomped/moshed to death in the pit. they ended up being the best seats ever. no one got too close to us because we were close to a pole and when we wanted to, we could stand up and rock out four feet higher than everyone else. the first band....pirate something or other was okay. I really like the two-man band 'chain gang of 1974' that came on next. their cd was free on myspace. sweeeeeeeet. the third band, innerpartysystem, was awesome. they had this crazy lightshow and so much BASS. then 3OH3! came on. THEY WERE SO GREAT. i freaked out. the crowd freaked out. intenssssssssse. the whole crowd was jumping- it was 2000+ people in one room all rocking out. if you haven't been to a standing-room only rock concert, you're missing out. there's this INTENSE energy that the band starts and the crowd feeds on it and then off each other and then the band gets crazier...... its amazing. it was definitely the best concert energy-wise that i've been to. and every band had the INTENSE BASS that vibrates in your fucking soul and changes your heartbeat and just rocks. so overall, a fucking great night.

that's pretty much all i've done since thanksgiving besides the occasional yogurtland or in-and-out visit.
i can't wait to come home.

somehow i have a B in philosophy, thanks to my C on the first midterm.
i am not questioning the grading system.

also, i retract everything bad i have ever said about philosophy.
besides the fact that is a worthless, pointless class.
that is just a cold hard fact.
:D

more weird dreams.

i was taking a two person dance class and they told us what song we would each be dancing to on a bus circling the san diego zoo. we were going to dance [separately] to super asian music. it was vaguely familiar, i think i'd had the dream before, or some variation of it.


then i was at the san diego zoo. i threw some guy's basketball or some kind of ball that he wanted away from where we were and i ran up a rock staircase that went up to different levels. he chased me. i screamed, but in that obnoxious-screamy-girly way. he caught me in a bear hug at the top.


then i was babysitting for shannen across the street and she took baby evan [not my brother.... there are three evans on the street.... weirdos.] out of his room and put him in an open, floor-level cabinet while he was in some sort of car seat. then i turned on the television and watched tv. i left him in the cabinet. i watched television for a while. then shannen called for me from downstairs. i got evan out of the cabinet [but it was like i'd forgotten, not like i wanted to leave him there]. he was very cute. he did not throw up on me. i played with him and took him downstairs. then i imagined that in a couple of years he would tell his mom about the day i left him in a cabinet.

i've been dreaming about babies more than usual... which should be not at all.


i have a linguistics test in two hours. i hope i do well. i've been doing well in college besides fucking philosophy. i got an A on my first paper. the teacher said it was excellent. i got an A on my anthropology test. i'm getting A's and B's in art history. linguistics is a cakewake, really. its just fucking philosopy [as it will now forever be known]. i don't want to get out of my panjamasssss. D;
breakfast time, i guess.

i just bought shoes online.
how exciting is that?

i kinda thought it was.
especially since i said it was a gift. i'm too cheap to pay extra to get it giftwrapped for myself, but i did send myself a note with the package.
in 6-9 days, i will be getting a decent-sized box filled with shoes AND a ridiculous note.
one of which may not fit [DAMN YOU CLEARANCE SHOES!]

but it'll be exciting to get another package.
i've gotten one letter and one package since college started.
both are from my dad.
:/
they count, but not really. [they count just about as much as sending yourself shoes counts...]


today was an easy class day- i start at eleven with linguistics and finish at three-fifteen after rhetoric written argument.
and that's with an hour and forty-five minute break in between.
tomorrow is my 'hard' day.
i start at eight with art history and go until eleven-fifty with an hour break between ten and eleven.
anthropology is a fun class; i have a great teacher who is funny and interesting. she showed the class the myotonic goat video that lain showed me last year. that only reminded me of pappert's class and of fun times with lain. D;
philosophy, my last class of the day, nearly goes over my head. half the things the teacher talks about i don't want to think about and the other half i don't understand.
my plan for that class is simple: extra credit. :D

two days ago, emily and i went on an adventure to the fashion valley mall.
its pretty much the COOLEST MALL OF ALL TIME.
and i've been to a couple of malls, mon amie.
after some difficulties with public transportation, we made it to the mall. its set up as a two story outdoor mall and has nearly every store you'd want. well, every store i wanted.
thanks to bargain hunting i bought various tanks, shoes, and bags. [surprise!]
we crammed our way on the trolley with our bags around eight o' clock sunday night.

on saturday, emily's friends matt, willie, and kristin drove down to visit.
the five of us spent the day in downtown san diego at the beach, seaport village, salvation army, in and out, and yogurtland.
the waves were really calm but the ocean was too cold and choked with seaweed for me to stay in long. it was nice being in a car for the first time in a week and a half- walking everywhere really takes its toll [especially on my calves- they look hot btw. :D]
most of all, driving around at night with deathcab and crazy indie music blasting just made me miss my friends back home.

i should get back to reading for anthro and philosophy class tomorrow.
i'l probably end up watching some more of last season of the office.
:D