all the things i remember... were they worth writing down? bury me in memories.

DX

Thu, 26 Nov 2009 09:01:19 GMT

my ipod/itunes just spent the last two hours freaking out for NO REASON. and so i am ANNOYED.
it seems to be working okay now.

i need a giant birthday week/productive week/thanksgiving break post, but i am tired and sassy and it would come out like this:
so it was my birthday. it was great. then i wrote a lot of papers. then i ditched classes and a shift at work to get a week off for thanksgiving. i am now dealing with pent up stress via my pimply forehead. the end.

so great, huh?
my ipod might actually be fixed now. but after this mess, i doubt it. D:

DAMMIT. its not.
i just want to sleeppppppp but i will so sad tommorrow if my ipod is broken D:
i am quitting. and i am so pissed and sad.

my tongue's the only muscle in my body that works harder than my heart.

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 08:37:19 GMT

I'M GOING HOME (for the day) TOMORROW.
just needed to get that out of my system.
seeing people from home/ going home more= wanting to go home even more.
but november will be a good month for that.

but in new (and more relevant) news:
i have turned over a new leaf. i am no longer getting involved in things. mainly one thing. about people. and by people, i mean one person. who will not be named, but will blatantly referred to. so essentially, this person has been driving me CRAZY because i feel like everything that happens is ENTIRELY PREVENTABLE. but that no longer matters, because i no longer care.
REALLY. i am channeling my angry into full-blown bitchy mean gossiping.
which is shallow. really shallow. but it makes me feel so much better.

before, i would let goings on affect me so much i couldn't study or focus or do anything but SEETHE. and that is unhealthy and not fun. i should not have to resort to having other people snap me out of frustration-induced nastiness.
I CAN DO THAT ALL BY MYSELF, GODDAMMIT. and now i don't need too, because i am not getting angry anymore.
every time i write that, it becomes a little more true.

its only been two days since i decided to not let it affect me and i already feel so much less stress.
because now bad things happen around me and good things happen to me.

i recommend letting go, because it just feels so good.
and now i'll take my own advice and not let go of home, like... uh, ever. :D

if you don’t know, honey, why'd you just say so?

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 22:27:43 GMT

how is it already october, the semester halfway behind us, me almost nineteen?
i've been home twice and already more people have visited me than all last year.
i love it.
it still hurts to leave though. still, i find it harder to be left than to do the leaving. the train gets me where i need to go and gets me back how i need to be in each place.
fall semester always flies. home this coming friday, plans this weekend. then halloween. then my birthday. then ryan's. the booksale, then thanksgiving. december, just like that. three weeks, less if my finals are scheduled well, and i'm back home for a month. its spring semester that drags.

this year is already so much better than last. i feel more like me here, and at home and with everyone.
i've been going to way more shows, just like i said i would last year. psychology looks like a dead end for me now, but i have a plan and i know that everything will work out like everything else has been.
i am turning over a new leaf and i love it. i love fall and i love this semester.

this place is a prison, these people aren't your friends.

Thu, 01 Oct 2009 00:53:45 GMT

i really just want to sleep for the rest of forever.
which sounds really fucking suicidal, but it isn't, so whatever.

nothing should be this hard.

i dig my toes into the sand and in this moment i am happy, happy.

Mon, 28 Sep 2009 03:16:38 GMT

ryan and kaitlyn just left. i am sad. but we had a great twenty-four hours together.
also i believe i am running on CHOCOLATE and LOVE and NUGS and like three hours of sleep.
i have work tomorrow at six am and a midterm at eleven.
faaaaaaaaaaaantastic.

the boys and the girls watch each other eat when they really just want to watch each other sleep.

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 05:30:38 GMT

i am so far gone.
too far gone to deal with fourteen chapters of reading due next week.

going to bed early for the first time in a while :)

i won't ever ask and you don't ever tell me.

Mon, 21 Sep 2009 05:43:07 GMT

this weekend turned into 'let's-tell-lauren-super-awkward-stories-and-then-make-her-feel-bad-about-herself-unintentionally-weekend.'
but it was also 'hang-out-with-home-friends-AND-college-friends-at-the-FUCKING-COOLEST-CONCERT-EVER-weekend,' so i have decided they even out into my reclaimed blank slate. i never imagined throwing a bottle into the ocean would feel so good. i gave up/changed five things i have been doing lately that needed to be changed. hopefully this will be good for me.

i feel like this year didn't really start until i helped throw that bottle into the ocean.
so this year will be different because i will make it different.

(ps: no more watching say yes to the dress when emotionally unstable. not a good choice).

i hope it gives you hell.

Mon, 14 Sep 2009 16:19:26 GMT

i love it when people 'guarantee' that they will be where you need them to be within the range of say, eight or nine o'clock, and are still not there by 9:16.
i'm pretty sure that we've dealt with this for seventy-two plus hours and you could put in five or six PAID hours to fix it reasonably early on monday morning.

ps: fuck you.
pps: FUCK YOUUUUU.

EDIT:
i also love it when they stroll in at 9:36 and barely say anything.

ps: my dad is raising hell at the housing office. love it, love him.

EDIT EDIT:
the sink is fixed. for now. KNOCK ON WOOD.
i need to never talk about this again and block it out. stat.

DONE.

FUCK

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 21:05:30 GMT

FUCK THIS SINK AND SERIOUSLY FUCK AZTEC CORNER BECAUSE THIS IS RIDICULOUS. DX

shit gets worse, and the worst just gets the best of us.

Fri, 11 Sep 2009 17:24:07 GMT

i am seriously getting sick and tired of the immaturity and the melodrama.
plus the disposal/sink is backed up and one of my favorite bands broke up and i have a huge list of homework and nobody's coming this weekend.
i have never been able to handle myself when i get more than four or five shitty things on my plate.

i told you to be patient, i told you to be fine, i told you to be balanced, i told you to be kind.

Wed, 09 Sep 2009 03:45:46 GMT

i already feel left behind.

off in the night while you live it up, I'm off to sleep.

Sun, 06 Sep 2009 18:10:52 GMT

everyone else's friends are visiting today.
fucccccccccccck my life.

its hard to believe that you're at home, by yourself.

Sat, 05 Sep 2009 03:13:31 GMT

it sucks to not be able to stop thinking about people all day.
people that you don't even talk to. [almost] ever.
this shouldn't be allowed.

we don't do a thing, cause we're busy and think we're just wandering, just wandering like fools.

Thu, 03 Sep 2009 23:07:44 GMT

tomorrow i'll have been back in san diego a week and already i am done with a week's worth of classes and one shift at work.

move in this year was so much easier than last. this year i'm on the second floor, unlike last year (SEVENTH floor). the roomS are bigger than i expected. its so nice to have another ROOM to go into. last year i was so sick of seeing those same four walls every day. plus having a kitchen is SO NICE. plus the bathroomS are HUGE. we really lucked out this year. besides facing the alley in the back and not having a balcony, i wouldn't change anything.

before i even had my first class, i had my first shift at ut, the building i lived in last year, where i work behind the front desk checking in id's. i worked from 6AM-9AM, but it could have been way worse... like my saturday shift... 9PM-3AM DX but i will just have to get used to drinking coffee. it should [HOPEFULLY PLEASEEEEE] only be for two weeks before we get out permanent schedules. but it was nice on monday because all the kids said hi to me because it was only their first day of classes and they weren't jaded/angry/exhausted/bitchy. plus i get to sit and read. not a bad job at all :)

my classes aren't too bad either. i have one class at eleven on mondays, class almost straight from eight-two on tuesday, two classes on wednesday starting at eleven, and classes from nine-three on thursdays. i have fridays OFF :D i pretty much have the best schedule out of everyone in the apartment :)

i've already read three books just for me (like catching fire, the second hunger games book. which was AH-MAZE-ING. like twists in my FACE. CONSTANTLY. SO GOOD. i think i will re-read it.....). i should've brought more. i come home in two weeks for the blink 182 concert anyway, so i just need to remember to get MORE. i miss people (some more than others, not gonna lie. LIKE MY DERG DX) but i kind of FUCKING LOVE college this year. except for the dance [which i will not speak of.] and the lack of my type of cute boys in my classes. D: but these are things i can get over with some intense psychotherapy and a trip to the library (yay cute nerdy boys.)

our kitchen :)

the kitchen table/entrance way.

the living room- with the remaining fish and a very large box of candy (thanks dad :])

my bed (which is a mess. i didn't feel like making it for you guys because i'm just going to have to unmake it to put in my mattress topper).

my room style is organized clutter :)

my shitty view.

largest college bathroom i've ever seen (plus the sickest shower curtain, right? :])

biggest bathroom ever!

read your books, but stay out late some nights.

Mon, 31 Aug 2009 05:23:13 GMT

oh, move in. you have certainly been interesting.
more to come.

first day of work tomorrow- SIX AM.
first day of class tomorrow- eleven to twelve-fifteen.
second nap of sophomore year- tomorrow afternoon :)

your eyes tell the stories of a day you wish you could recall.

Sat, 15 Aug 2009 06:10:19 GMT

sometimes i am just a whiny bitch.

my love is bigger than your love, sing it.

Wed, 22 Jul 2009 19:35:32 GMT

i'm always the one in the relationship who loves more.

you the, you the best, best i ever had.

Mon, 20 Jul 2009 23:59:01 GMT

for some reason, this house is turning me into this crazy, angry, vindictive bitch.
but i am [almost] always right, goddammit!
and it doesn't help that i work nights and everyone i'd like to spend time with works days.
i fly off the handle too fast and i don't sleep and i cry way too much and drive too fast and yell too much.
it sucks so much that i've forgotten how to live in this house.

i miss school. i miss san diego. i miss being independent. i miss my friends.
i will miss my dog. i will miss my little car. i will miss my room and my library and my space and my noise. i will miss my friends.

i will forget every day that was too much to deal with this summer.
i will remember the good times.

i will miss all of this when the summer is over, but i can't bring myself to love it now.

let it fall, let it fall.

Mon, 22 Jun 2009 05:32:11 GMT

i've been weird lately.
the family blew up on friday. too much use of the word 'tone' and too much crying. annoying.

but finally summer feels like its beginning. sonic did a lot for me. the whole day did, actually. first day out all week. tomorrow i have the car for my second job interview [not at the same place, sadly]. its only a temp agency, so it wouldn't be steady work, but its a JOB. sort of. it would be enough to get my parents off my back and make me a little bit of money. after that i have semi-formed plans to get the fuck out of my house. i have vague plans for tuesday, a babysitting job wednesday, movie and shopping plans thursday, and more movie plans friday.

this is shaping up to be the best freaking week of summer so far.
how sad is it that the prospect of driving on a weekday is making my week. whatever, i could care less--
i'm getting outtttttttttttttttttttttt :D

there is nothing you can do to me that i haven't already done to myself.

Wed, 10 Jun 2009 06:08:56 GMT

nothing of any interest has happened.
which is a little bit of a lie, but whatever.

in order of importance:

ONE: i got a job interview.
after applying to TWENTY-FOUR FUCKING PLACES, i have been asked [by an automated email, no less] to schedule myself for an interview at macy's in mission viejo. commence worrying/nervousness. hopefully my dedication to the bookstore [four years XD!] and my classy/aesthetically-pleasing resume will get me a job, because i need it. i don't really need the money, i just need to get out of my house on a semi-regular basis because parents/not having a car is making me crazy. mainly the pointless arguing with my parents about how i don't have a job yet and how i'm not trying hard enough that i can't help but translate into USELESS. DRAIN. WORTHLESS. but thankfully i can shut the fuck up about that for at least two days and focus on 1. interview clothes and 2. the interview. i'm nervous.

TWO: grades?
i did better this semester than first, but not by much. B, B , B , A-, A. i'm not that impressed, actually. eh.

THREE: um... i cleaned my room?
i have been stuck in this house too much. i miss being able to do what i want. i'm sick of having to ask to go EVERYWHERE, usually days in advance. i thought this summer would be better, but hopefully if i get a job i'll be able to do more [counter-intuitive, i know.]

FOUR: i beat resident evil 5. twice.
too. much. time.

FIVE: i've read eight or so books. in the past week.
i'm alone with my thoughts too much, so i fill my head with other worlds.

so essentially i'm underwhelmed with summer, i have no job, and i have plenty of book recommendations.
fantastic.

tonight i have to leave it, tonight i have to.

Tue, 19 May 2009 05:10:51 GMT

the drama gets to me.
people need to grow the fuck up already.

i just want everything to change and to stay the same. i want to fix everything. that's it.

i'm the same as i was when i was six years old and oh my god i feel so damn old.

Mon, 04 May 2009 03:52:42 GMT

less than two weeks.
i can do this.

my hands open and my eyes open, i just keep hoping that your heart opens.

Wed, 29 Apr 2009 01:50:13 GMT

i can't focus.
at all.

its worse than second semester of junior year and senior year, but not put together. that would just be too intense. more like the work load of junior year with the drama of senior year. i leave in three weeks. i have two essays and finals and a speech [group, no less] and i can't focus on it all or i'd go insane. worst of it is all stemming from one thing that gets me through the day usually, but doesn't really help. i am sad for people and happy for people and annoyed with people and alone. spring break was, what, four weeks ago? three? i can't bring myself to look. i just feel like this year needs to be over. i could really use a top model marathon or sitting in my pajamas all day or rereading all the harry potter books in two days or a visit home. and i can't go home. i shouldn't and i won't. i'll be smart for once in a long while. i need to get out of san diego for a break and summers close but if i leave i don't know what i'll have to come back to and i have to eventually.

my non-break break didn't help much either. my grandparents are OLD. it hurts me to see how they live. it hurts me that they're losing their memories and that my grandmother drinks from dinner until she goes to bed and that they're alone and that their age and their actions are making me not love them as much. i don't feel like i'm related to them, let alone know them. and i shouldn't hold it against them but is old age just bringing out what she really thinks about me? that i'm the favorite but i'm still not good enough? could it be worse for the rest of them than it is for me? i didn't really need any of her bullshit and i'm caught between how i feel and it just makes me feel worse. i can't be like them. i won't let myself. ever. and i can't be like my cousin or my aunt and uncle. i'm surrounded by such great role models.

and now i'm looking forward to three weeks of hell punctuated by boredom and loneliness followed by a summer where everything is up in the air. and then i get to start school all over again. fan-fucking-tastic.

please don't tell my secrets, keep them hidden. you got it, you got it, you got it.

Thu, 09 Apr 2009 01:23:47 GMT

SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH.
in the best possible way.
:]]]]]]]]]]]]

molly was a good girl and it felt great to be a liar.

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 17:43:12 GMT

i just realized that it is april.
APRIL.
this year is already almost over.

freshman/ half of sophomore year ends may twenty-first.
:S