all the things i remember... were they worth writing down? bury me in memories.

your poker face book? i already read it.

2010-01-03T09:28:07Z

boys are weird.

forget december, it won't be better.

2010-01-02T06:50:50Z

new years eve was actually pretty great.
i need to learn to shut up and stop complaining. resolution?
i think yes.

fuck YEAH, we can live like this.

2009-12-23T07:55:58Z

I GOT MY B IN POLY SCIIII YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
i feel ENTIRELY better about the semester. even though i am am 90% i'm getting straight B's (asian art: B, learning: B, careers: CR, POLY SCI: B!!!) i am okay with it. i just REALLY, REALLY couldn't get a C. which is why i was so stressed out about the semester. but now i can breathe.
even if i don't get a job, i don't have to tell my parents that i pulled a C in a general education class because I DIDN'T!

update:
still nothing on the job front. pick up stix SHUT ME DOWN, HARD. as in, no seasonal work. no filling in. at all. fuck.
plus, no one else is getting back to me. i'm afraid (sure) its too late. there just isn't a way for me to get seasonal work without starting before the eighteenth and i couldn't. and now christmas is in two days. shiiiiit. i'm planning fun stuff in advance (but not too far in advance) to make sure my winter break doesn't completely suck. plus ima do chores. EVERY WEEK. to butter up my parents. and earn money. but it doesn't really count because its recycled money. but WHATEVER, the house is a mess.

still nothing on the bro's (friends) before ho's (boys) front. she probably doesn't even know thats why i'm upset. but everyone i've talked to agrees that it was a DICK MOVE.

i'm finally reading books (novels) again (ex: not my poly sci textbook) and it is GREAT. they are trashy and girly and sci-fi-y and just what i need.
and same with tv- the trashier, the better.

its just nice to breathe again. i feel like i haven't really breathed since a week before finals.
please pardon my victory dancing :D

my pen is the barrel of the gun, remind me what side you should be on.

2009-12-22T18:54:23Z

i'm getting kind of sick of people picking guys over their friends.
chicks before dicks...?? or whatever dumb saying is cool right now.
i'm just over the whole thing.
and it might be because i'm blatantly boyfriend-less, but WHATEVER.
its still a dick move.
especially when you're not even dating said dick.
ughhhhhhhh.

ps: being home has started to suck again. already. i'd hoped it would've been fun until at least christmas. :(
pps: wish me luck on job searching. because i am desperately in need of a job, according to my parents. a job for the next THREE AND A HALF WEEKS. FUCKKKKKKKKKKKK.

if everyones a structure where their savior sits, i'm a little red house but no ones living in it

2009-12-18T08:20:26Z

finals are DONE. but as soon as they were, i just started to stress out about grades. and packing. and getting home. and getting a job. and the possibility of getting yelled at.
but at least my room is clean again. also, i liked this meme.

SO FIRST MEME EVER.
Day 01 → Your favorite song:
Day 02 → Your favorite movie:
Day 03 → Your favorite television program:
Day 04 → Your favorite book
Day 05 → Your favorite quote
Day 06 → Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 07 → A photo that makes you happy
Day 08 → A photo that makes you angry/sad
Day 09 → A photo you took
Day 10 → A photo of you taken over ten years ago
Day 11 → A photo of you taken recently
Day 12 → Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 13 → A fictional book
Day 14 → A non-fictional book
Day 15 → A fanfic
Day 16 → A song that makes you cry (or nearly)
Day 17 → An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)
Day 18 → Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 19 → A talent of yours
Day 20 → A hobbie of yours
Day 21 → A recipe
Day 22 → A website
Day 23 → A YouTube video
Day 24 → Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 25 → Your day, in great detail
Day 26 → Your week, in great detail
Day 27 → This month, in great detail
Day 28 → This year, in great detail
Day 29 → Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 → Whatever tickles your fancy

AND TODAY IS DAY ONE. i've decided. so (right now) my favorite songs are:
bought a bride (acoustic) by brand new.
my moon my man by feist.
and i'm super into ingrid michealson, the matches, and hot chip right now.

sophomore slump (or the comeback of the year)

2009-12-11T02:18:21Z

oh, shit. this isn't good.

if i die and go to hell real soon, it will appear to me as this room.

2009-12-10T06:44:03Z

meh meh mehrrrrrrrrrrrr.
i feel like i haven't done anything important ALL WEEK and its driving me crazy, but i can't stop being lazy. i really want to just stay up all night and write this paper that isn't due for a whole week, but i have classes tomorrow that i really have to go to. this weekend will be hell. i have too much studying to do and i'm unmotivated and toomotivated because, like always, i'm on that line between a's and b's in almost every class. plus i'm sassy. i'm fighting (aka not talking) with jen and i don't know if she knows it. i don't feel like having a big blow up with her (or anyone, really) and i don't want to not talk to her for all of winter break because i feel like we'd never talk again. i will swallow my pride and try and fix everything because i am the glue and all that bullshit. i just need to buckle the fuck down and calm down about everything and do good work so i can go home and relax and watch tv and eat cheerios all day with my dog.

finals freak out #1 OVER.

i'm starting out, i'm starting over.

2009-12-04T10:22:40Z

so i'm super bored and NOT sleepy for a variety of reasons. so i will FINALLY do a massive post about november that will not-so secretly turn into a massive post about nothing/right now/future nonsense.

INTERRUPTED.

okay, now that THAT's done. its weird because i'm awake and emily's sleeping/trying to sleep, so i'm (trying) to type quieter. but this has never happened before this year, me being up later than emily. either i go to sleep first or we go to sleep at the same time. but nowwww it is me who is awake and it is mildly exciting.

so, a whole effing month ago was my nineteenth birthday. and it turned into a week's worth of celebrating which was really great. i think it was my favorite birthday ever, but i say that every year because each one gets better than the last. basically i ended up eating out like six times. i went home thursday night like usual and my parent got me a new ipod for my birthday that i named ponyo because i loooove ham (actually no. i just like to yell). and ponyo. the next day i went to disneyland with my family. my dad didn't show up until two-ish and i felt like one of those kids whose parents are divorced and the kids make excuses for the dad never being around, even though it was only one day. we had lots of fun after he showed up (and before, too) and i was suuuuuper excited because later that night ryan was driving me to visit claire at her school. which was awesome, by the way. the rest of the weekend was a blur, really. emily and kelly came and slept over saturday night after they went to disneyland for jen's birthday. the next day we got breakfast with kaitlyn and went to emily's friend's beach birthday party. kelly and i drove back down to san deezy that night with a giant bag of my favorite homemade cookies.

the next week i got caught up on all the nonsense i ignored during birthday weekend. kelly and i got our haircut at the paul mitchell school on wednesday, which was exciting but took forever. the weekend was super boring. it reminded me of the weekends i would spend alone in UT last year when i would plan my whole day around what movies were on tv and how much reading i still had to do for class. but i actually had an escape here which is really why i love sophomore year so much more than freshman year. i actually have people to hang out with instead of sitting in bed watching cabin fever or four harry potter movies in a row.

the week after was full of working ahead to make sure i could relax during allllll of thanksgiving break (which didn't happen, but whatever). i wrote the equivalent of at least four papers and did a ton of reading (three weeks' worth!). on thursday i saw my first midnight movie ever-- new moooooon! which i liked. a lot. waaay more than twilight. waaay more than when i really thought i liked twilight because i didn't know better.

and then it was thanksgivinggggg (break). i took the early train and got lunch with my maam and hung out with ryan and napped and cleaned my room and made dinner and played pool. all in one day. break was characterized by me pushing myself to my limits. up (relatively) early, asleep late. every night. i watched a ton of movies. a ton. seven, actually. i thought it was more in my head. but seven is still plenty respectable. i did a ton of shopping and catching up and tv watching and job searching and derg hugging and cream corn eating.

all that has really happened this week is college bureaucratic nonsense. aka trying to figure out class schedules and major changing and minor decisions. minor like minoring. essentially i've switched to english because i want to be in publishing. books are the only thing that i've consistently loved forever and i just couldn't find myself in psych. now i just need to decide between minoring in what i love (art history) and what would look really good with my degree (rhetoric and writing studies- which i do enjoy). and of course i need to decide these things now because sdsu is starting to restrict minors/double majors because of budget cuts. so i'm going to end up making a rash decision like my psychology major decision. i just hated not having an answer to people's questions. and i hated feeling like everything i did here didn't really matter more. hopefully i can leave it until next semester so i can decide for real this time.

i'm really afraid for winter break. my parents have latched onto the idea that i need to get a job for break. i searched over thanksgiving break. i got one interview and i have three people to call back about seasonal jobs. i am just worried that winter break will turn out just like summer break- no job and lots of yelling. no one wants to hire me for less than a month when i can't start until december eighteenth. i have a job at school but i don't get a lot of hours. it just sucks that i stand to get yelled at all of winter break when i have a job already and i'm not living paycheck to paycheck because my parents are paying for school for now. my parents are obsessed with the future and saving and i just can't see it. i can't imagine where i'll be in two years. all i can see is me back at home (because where the hell could i afford rent in southern california straight out of college?) and that is not the prettiest picture.

and now it is two nineteen and i am awake and jobless and i'm going to be poor and live at home. wow. how am i supposed to sleep now?

DX

2009-11-26T09:01:19Z

my ipod/itunes just spent the last two hours freaking out for NO REASON. and so i am ANNOYED.
it seems to be working okay now.

i need a giant birthday week/productive week/thanksgiving break post, but i am tired and sassy and it would come out like this:
so it was my birthday. it was great. then i wrote a lot of papers. then i ditched classes and a shift at work to get a week off for thanksgiving. i am now dealing with pent up stress via my pimply forehead. the end.

so great, huh?
my ipod might actually be fixed now. but after this mess, i doubt it. D:

DAMMIT. its not.
i just want to sleeppppppp but i will so sad tommorrow if my ipod is broken D:
i am quitting. and i am so pissed and sad.

my tongue's the only muscle in my body that works harder than my heart.

2009-10-23T08:37:19Z

I'M GOING HOME (for the day) TOMORROW.
just needed to get that out of my system.
seeing people from home/ going home more= wanting to go home even more.
but november will be a good month for that.

but in new (and more relevant) news:
i have turned over a new leaf. i am no longer getting involved in things. mainly one thing. about people. and by people, i mean one person. who will not be named, but will blatantly referred to. so essentially, this person has been driving me CRAZY because i feel like everything that happens is ENTIRELY PREVENTABLE. but that no longer matters, because i no longer care.
REALLY. i am channeling my angry into full-blown bitchy mean gossiping.
which is shallow. really shallow. but it makes me feel so much better.

before, i would let goings on affect me so much i couldn't study or focus or do anything but SEETHE. and that is unhealthy and not fun. i should not have to resort to having other people snap me out of frustration-induced nastiness.
I CAN DO THAT ALL BY MYSELF, GODDAMMIT. and now i don't need too, because i am not getting angry anymore.
every time i write that, it becomes a little more true.

its only been two days since i decided to not let it affect me and i already feel so much less stress.
because now bad things happen around me and good things happen to me.

i recommend letting go, because it just feels so good.
and now i'll take my own advice and not let go of home, like... uh, ever. :D

if you don’t know, honey, why'd you just say so?

2009-10-18T22:27:43Z

how is it already october, the semester halfway behind us, me almost nineteen?
i've been home twice and already more people have visited me than all last year.
i love it.
it still hurts to leave though. still, i find it harder to be left than to do the leaving. the train gets me where i need to go and gets me back how i need to be in each place.
fall semester always flies. home this coming friday, plans this weekend. then halloween. then my birthday. then ryan's. the booksale, then thanksgiving. december, just like that. three weeks, less if my finals are scheduled well, and i'm back home for a month. its spring semester that drags.

this year is already so much better than last. i feel more like me here, and at home and with everyone.
i've been going to way more shows, just like i said i would last year. psychology looks like a dead end for me now, but i have a plan and i know that everything will work out like everything else has been.
i am turning over a new leaf and i love it. i love fall and i love this semester.

this place is a prison, these people aren't your friends.

2009-10-01T00:53:45Z

i really just want to sleep for the rest of forever.
which sounds really fucking suicidal, but it isn't, so whatever.

nothing should be this hard.

i dig my toes into the sand and in this moment i am happy, happy.

2009-09-28T03:16:38Z

ryan and kaitlyn just left. i am sad. but we had a great twenty-four hours together.
also i believe i am running on CHOCOLATE and LOVE and NUGS and like three hours of sleep.
i have work tomorrow at six am and a midterm at eleven.
faaaaaaaaaaaantastic.

the boys and the girls watch each other eat when they really just want to watch each other sleep.

2009-09-23T05:30:38Z

i am so far gone.
too far gone to deal with fourteen chapters of reading due next week.

going to bed early for the first time in a while :)

i won't ever ask and you don't ever tell me.

2009-09-21T05:43:07Z

this weekend turned into 'let's-tell-lauren-super-awkward-stories-and-then-make-her-feel-bad-about-herself-unintentionally-weekend.'
but it was also 'hang-out-with-home-friends-AND-college-friends-at-the-FUCKING-COOLEST-CONCERT-EVER-weekend,' so i have decided they even out into my reclaimed blank slate. i never imagined throwing a bottle into the ocean would feel so good. i gave up/changed five things i have been doing lately that needed to be changed. hopefully this will be good for me.

i feel like this year didn't really start until i helped throw that bottle into the ocean.
so this year will be different because i will make it different.

(ps: no more watching say yes to the dress when emotionally unstable. not a good choice).

i hope it gives you hell.

2009-09-14T16:19:26Z

i love it when people 'guarantee' that they will be where you need them to be within the range of say, eight or nine o'clock, and are still not there by 9:16.
i'm pretty sure that we've dealt with this for seventy-two plus hours and you could put in five or six PAID hours to fix it reasonably early on monday morning.

ps: fuck you.
pps: FUCK YOUUUUU.

EDIT:
i also love it when they stroll in at 9:36 and barely say anything.

ps: my dad is raising hell at the housing office. love it, love him.

EDIT EDIT:
the sink is fixed. for now. KNOCK ON WOOD.
i need to never talk about this again and block it out. stat.

DONE.

FUCK

2009-09-12T21:05:30Z

FUCK THIS SINK AND SERIOUSLY FUCK AZTEC CORNER BECAUSE THIS IS RIDICULOUS. DX

shit gets worse, and the worst just gets the best of us.

2009-09-11T17:24:07Z

i am seriously getting sick and tired of the immaturity and the melodrama.
plus the disposal/sink is backed up and one of my favorite bands broke up and i have a huge list of homework and nobody's coming this weekend.
i have never been able to handle myself when i get more than four or five shitty things on my plate.

i told you to be patient, i told you to be fine, i told you to be balanced, i told you to be kind.

2009-09-09T03:45:46Z

i already feel left behind.

off in the night while you live it up, I'm off to sleep.

2009-09-06T18:10:52Z

everyone else's friends are visiting today.
fucccccccccccck my life.

its hard to believe that you're at home, by yourself.

2009-09-05T03:13:31Z

it sucks to not be able to stop thinking about people all day.
people that you don't even talk to. [almost] ever.
this shouldn't be allowed.

we don't do a thing, cause we're busy and think we're just wandering, just wandering like fools.

2009-09-03T23:07:44Z

tomorrow i'll have been back in san diego a week and already i am done with a week's worth of classes and one shift at work.

move in this year was so much easier than last. this year i'm on the second floor, unlike last year (SEVENTH floor). the roomS are bigger than i expected. its so nice to have another ROOM to go into. last year i was so sick of seeing those same four walls every day. plus having a kitchen is SO NICE. plus the bathroomS are HUGE. we really lucked out this year. besides facing the alley in the back and not having a balcony, i wouldn't change anything.

before i even had my first class, i had my first shift at ut, the building i lived in last year, where i work behind the front desk checking in id's. i worked from 6AM-9AM, but it could have been way worse... like my saturday shift... 9PM-3AM DX but i will just have to get used to drinking coffee. it should [HOPEFULLY PLEASEEEEE] only be for two weeks before we get out permanent schedules. but it was nice on monday because all the kids said hi to me because it was only their first day of classes and they weren't jaded/angry/exhausted/bitchy. plus i get to sit and read. not a bad job at all :)

my classes aren't too bad either. i have one class at eleven on mondays, class almost straight from eight-two on tuesday, two classes on wednesday starting at eleven, and classes from nine-three on thursdays. i have fridays OFF :D i pretty much have the best schedule out of everyone in the apartment :)

i've already read three books just for me (like catching fire, the second hunger games book. which was AH-MAZE-ING. like twists in my FACE. CONSTANTLY. SO GOOD. i think i will re-read it.....). i should've brought more. i come home in two weeks for the blink 182 concert anyway, so i just need to remember to get MORE. i miss people (some more than others, not gonna lie. LIKE MY DERG DX) but i kind of FUCKING LOVE college this year. except for the dance [which i will not speak of.] and the lack of my type of cute boys in my classes. D: but these are things i can get over with some intense psychotherapy and a trip to the library (yay cute nerdy boys.)

our kitchen :)

the kitchen table/entrance way.

the living room- with the remaining fish and a very large box of candy (thanks dad :])

my bed (which is a mess. i didn't feel like making it for you guys because i'm just going to have to unmake it to put in my mattress topper).

my room style is organized clutter :)

my shitty view.

largest college bathroom i've ever seen (plus the sickest shower curtain, right? :])

biggest bathroom ever!

read your books, but stay out late some nights.

2009-08-31T05:23:13Z

oh, move in. you have certainly been interesting.
more to come.

first day of work tomorrow- SIX AM.
first day of class tomorrow- eleven to twelve-fifteen.
second nap of sophomore year- tomorrow afternoon :)

your eyes tell the stories of a day you wish you could recall.

2009-08-15T06:10:19Z

sometimes i am just a whiny bitch.

my love is bigger than your love, sing it.

2009-07-22T19:35:32Z

i'm always the one in the relationship who loves more.