I'M GOING HOME (for the day) TOMORROW.
just needed to get that out of my system.
seeing people from home/ going home more= wanting to go home even more.
but november will be a good month for that.

but in new (and more relevant) news:
i have turned over a new leaf. i am no longer getting involved in things. mainly one thing. about people. and by people, i mean one person. who will not be named, but will blatantly referred to. so essentially, this person has been driving me CRAZY because i feel like everything that happens is ENTIRELY PREVENTABLE. but that no longer matters, because i no longer care.
REALLY.  i am channeling my angry into full-blown bitchy mean gossiping.
which is shallow. really shallow. but it makes me feel so much better.

before, i would let goings on affect me so much i couldn't study or focus or do anything but SEETHE. and that is unhealthy and not fun. i should not have to resort to having other people snap me out of frustration-induced nastiness.
I CAN DO THAT ALL BY MYSELF, GODDAMMIT. and now i don't need too, because i am not getting angry anymore.
every time i write that, it becomes a little more true.

its only been two days since i decided to not let it affect me and i already feel so much less stress.
because now bad things happen around me and good things happen to me.

i recommend letting go, because it just feels so good.
and now i'll take my own advice and not let go of home, like... uh, ever. :D

how is it already october, the semester halfway behind us, me almost nineteen?
i've been home twice and already more people have visited me than all last year.
i love it.
it still hurts to leave though. still, i find it harder to be left than to do the leaving. the train gets me where i need to go and gets me back how i need to be in each place.
fall semester always flies. home this coming friday, plans this weekend. then halloween. then my birthday. then ryan's. the booksale, then thanksgiving. december, just like that. three weeks, less if my finals are scheduled well, and i'm back home for a month. its spring semester that drags.

this year is already so much better than last. i feel more like me here, and at home and with everyone.
i've been going to way more shows, just like i said i would last year. psychology looks like a dead end for me now, but i have a plan and i know that everything will work out like everything else has been.
i am turning over a new leaf and i love it. i love fall and i love this semester.

i really just want to sleep for the rest of forever.
which sounds really fucking suicidal, but it isn't, so whatever.

nothing should be this hard.

ryan and kaitlyn just left. i am sad. but we had a great twenty-four hours together.
also i believe i am running on CHOCOLATE and LOVE and NUGS and like three hours of sleep.
i have work tomorrow at six am and a midterm at eleven.
faaaaaaaaaaaantastic.

i am so far gone.
too far gone to deal with fourteen chapters of reading due next week.

going to bed early for the first time in a while :)

this weekend turned into 'let's-tell-lauren-super-awkward-stories-and-then-make-her-feel-bad-about-herself-unintentionally-weekend.'
but it was also 'hang-out-with-home-friends-AND-college-friends-at-the-FUCKING-COOLEST-CONCERT-EVER-weekend,' so i have decided they even out into my reclaimed blank slate. i never imagined throwing a bottle into the ocean would feel so good. i gave up/changed five things i have been doing lately that needed to be changed. hopefully this will be good for me.

i feel like this year didn't really start until i helped throw that bottle into the ocean.
so this year will be different because i will make it different.

(ps: no more watching say yes to the dress when emotionally unstable. not a good choice).

i love it when people 'guarantee' that they will be where you need them to be within the range of say, eight or nine o'clock, and are still not there by 9:16.
i'm pretty sure that we've dealt with this for seventy-two plus hours and you could put in five or six PAID hours to fix it reasonably early on monday morning.

ps: fuck you.
pps: FUCK YOUUUUU.

EDIT:
i also love it when they stroll in at 9:36 and barely say anything.

ps: my dad is raising hell at the housing office. love it, love him.

EDIT EDIT:
the sink is fixed. for now. KNOCK ON WOOD.
i need to never talk about this again and block it out. stat.

DONE.

FUCK THIS SINK AND SERIOUSLY FUCK AZTEC CORNER BECAUSE THIS IS RIDICULOUS. DX

i am seriously getting sick and tired of the immaturity and the melodrama.
plus the disposal/sink is backed up and one of my favorite bands broke up and i have a huge list of homework and nobody's coming this weekend.
i have never been able to handle myself when i get more than four or five shitty things on my plate.

i already feel left behind.

everyone else's friends are visiting today.
fucccccccccccck my life.

it sucks to not be able to stop thinking about people all day.
people that you don't even talk to. [almost] ever.
this shouldn't be allowed.

tomorrow i'll have been back in san diego a week and already i am done with a week's worth of classes and one shift at work.

move in this year was so much easier than last. this year i'm on the second floor, unlike last year (SEVENTH floor). the roomS are bigger than i expected. its so nice to have another ROOM to go into. last year i was so sick of seeing those same four walls every day. plus having a kitchen is SO NICE. plus the bathroomS are HUGE. we really lucked out this year. besides facing the alley in the back and not having a balcony, i wouldn't change anything.

before i even had my first class, i had my first shift at ut, the building i lived in last year, where i work behind the front desk checking in id's. i worked from 6AM-9AM, but it could have been way worse... like my saturday shift... 9PM-3AM DX but i will just have to get used to drinking coffee. it should [HOPEFULLY PLEASEEEEE] only be for two weeks before we get out permanent schedules. but it was nice on monday because all the kids said hi to me because it was only their first day of classes and they weren't jaded/angry/exhausted/bitchy. plus i get to sit and read. not a bad job at all :)

my classes aren't too bad either. i have one class at eleven on mondays, class almost straight from eight-two on tuesday, two classes on wednesday starting at eleven, and classes from nine-three on thursdays. i have fridays OFF :D i pretty much have the best schedule out of everyone in the apartment :)

i've already read three books just for me (like catching fire, the second hunger games book. which was AH-MAZE-ING. like twists in my FACE. CONSTANTLY. SO GOOD. i think i will re-read it.....). i should've brought more. i come home in two weeks for the blink 182 concert anyway, so i just need to remember to get MORE. i miss people (some more than others, not gonna lie. LIKE MY DERG DX) but i kind of FUCKING LOVE college this year. except for the dance [which i will not speak of.] and the lack of my type of cute boys in my classes. D: but these are things i can get over with some intense psychotherapy and a trip to the library (yay cute nerdy boys.)
( IT IS NOW PICTURE TIME! :D )( NOW IT IS PICTURE TIME :D )

oh, move in. you have certainly been interesting.
more to come.

first day of work tomorrow- SIX AM.
first day of class tomorrow- eleven to twelve-fifteen.
second nap of sophomore year- tomorrow afternoon :)

sometimes i am just a whiny bitch.

i'm always the one in the relationship who loves more.

for some reason, this house is turning me into this crazy, angry, vindictive bitch.
but i am [almost] always right, goddammit!
and it doesn't help that i work nights and everyone i'd like to spend time with works days.
i fly off the handle too fast and i don't sleep and i cry way too much and drive too fast and yell too much.
it sucks so much that i've forgotten how to live in this house.

i miss school. i miss san diego. i miss being independent. i miss my friends.
i will miss my dog. i will miss my little car. i will miss my room and my library and my space and my noise. i will miss my friends.

i will forget every day that was too much to deal with this summer.
i will remember the good times.

i will miss all of this when the summer is over, but i can't bring myself to love it now.

i've been weird lately.
the family blew up on friday. too much use of the word 'tone' and too much crying. annoying.

but finally summer feels like its beginning. sonic did a lot for me. the whole day did, actually. first day out all week. tomorrow i have the car for my second job interview [not at the same place, sadly]. its only a temp agency, so it wouldn't be steady work, but its a JOB. sort of. it would be enough to get my parents off my back and make me a little bit of money. after that i have semi-formed plans to get the fuck out of my house. i have vague plans for tuesday, a babysitting job wednesday, movie and shopping plans thursday, and more movie plans friday.

this is shaping up to be the best freaking week of summer so far.
how sad is it that the prospect of driving on a weekday is making my week. whatever, i could care less--
i'm getting outtttttttttttttttttttttt :D

nothing of any interest has happened.
which is a little bit of a lie, but whatever.


in order of importance:

ONE: i got a job interview.
after applying to TWENTY-FOUR FUCKING PLACES, i have been asked [by an automated email, no less] to schedule myself for an interview at macy's in mission viejo. commence worrying/nervousness. hopefully my dedication to the bookstore [four years XD!] and my classy/aesthetically-pleasing resume will get me a job, because i need it. i don't really need the money, i just need to get out of my house on a semi-regular basis because parents/not having a car is making me crazy. mainly the pointless arguing with my parents about how i don't have a job yet and how i'm not trying hard enough that i can't help but translate into USELESS. DRAIN. WORTHLESS. but thankfully i can shut the fuck up about that for at least two days and focus on 1. interview clothes and 2. the interview. i'm nervous.

TWO: grades?
i did better this semester than first, but not by much. B, B , B , A-, A. i'm not that impressed, actually. eh.

THREE: um... i cleaned my room?
i have been stuck in this house too much. i miss being able to do what i want. i'm sick of having to ask to go EVERYWHERE, usually days in advance. i thought this summer would be better, but hopefully if i get a job i'll be able to do more [counter-intuitive, i know.]

FOUR: i beat resident evil 5. twice.
too. much. time.

FIVE: i've read eight or so books. in the past week.
i'm alone with my thoughts too much, so i fill my head with other worlds.


so essentially i'm underwhelmed with summer, i have no job, and i have plenty of book recommendations.
fantastic.

the drama gets to me.
people need to grow the fuck up already.

i just want everything to change and to stay the same. i want to fix everything. that's it.